love happens.

do you want the truth or something beautiful?

Wed, 23 Dec 2009 09:30:50 GMT

i have a feeling that i'm going to be alone for a long time and that makes me sad.
i hate how much i hate love and feelings. it's not real to me.
nothing was ever real. i was just a stupid girl who made up feelings, and fell in love with a guy that never loved me.
he never loved me, he probably never even cared about me.
i'm that girl, always that girl.
good news is i don't have to be her anymore, i'm not that girl and never will be again.
so now i'm just a stupid girl whos planning to run away from what i'm scared of instead of facing it.
some things never change.

can't sleep.

Sun, 20 Dec 2009 09:49:05 GMT

i want to write but i don't know what to say. sometimes i wonder if i'll ever laugh the same again. if i'll ever feel that wholeness inside of me, i wonder if i'll ever let my walls down to let another person in again. i don't want to. i didn't ever want to, but i did. i've been thinking lately that it was a mistake. i don't ever want to make myself vulnerable again to any guy. i wonder if i'll ever learn to forgive because that's not something i do very well. maybe that's what makes me not the "girlfriend type". and sometimes i wonder if i'll ever find someone that will just listen without me having to scream at the top of my lungs. better yet, a guy that will listen and not write me off, or sit me second best for four years. you know, that alone makes all of the good times seem like shit, it makes anything that he did feel for me shit, it makes me nothing. it makes me bullshit. it makes me the girl that was second best and in the end got nothing. it makes me angry.

when i say listen, i'm not talking about my words. i'm talking about just knowing, whatever i don't even know what i'm talking about. when i say that i'm fine, i think that maybe i might be trying to convince myself more than the people asking me. and for the record, the only person that has ever listened to me when it mattered is my best friend. she has always been there for me through everything and i know that she always will be. i am so lucky to have found that in another person. maybe that's all i will find, and if it is then it is more than enough. atleast i know that i can always count on her to tell me the truth even when it hurts, and to make me laugh when i'm sad, and to understand when i do things that don't make any sense. i love her. she is the best person that has come into my life, she has saved my life by making me feel like i do matter, and i am special when the guy that i loved so much wrote me off for the last three years for another girl that i know will never compare to me. but that's okay, because i have the most amazing, unselfish, kind, and honest best friend in the world, and those are qualities that he will never possess.

a letter i'll probably never send.

Fri, 18 Dec 2009 08:12:13 GMT

why did i do it?

i've thought a lot about why, what would make me just snap.
it wasn't because i ever thought that you would be with me, i knew all along that she wouldn't leave you. and i know that we will never be together.

i did it because i wanted you to feel like i did when you told me that you were proposing to her, and you told me your wedding date, and the kind of ring you got her...god that just cut me so deep. and i wanted you to feel the same thing i did. i wanted you to not expect it, i wanted you to feel betrayed, hurt, and confused. And i wanted to do to you what you had done to me...which was make me feel like for the last five years of knowing you and the last four years of knowing you more than just friends, and the last two years of loving you meant nothing to me. even though you know that i love you, i'd do anything for you. but i just won't let you break my heart anymore.

us being friends wasn't an option for me and i knew you'd never let me go. i knew that it would just torture me everytime you decided to randomly talk to me, or randomly ask me if i want to have sex with you. i couldn't, and i can't, and i won't do that anymore not to myself. i deserve more than that, i deserve to be respected and noticed and treated right. i did it because i wanted you to hate me.

i remember seeing you for the first time walking down the hall after fourth period, i used to walk that way every day so i could see you. it's crazy to think i've been after you since i was fourteen years old, it's nuts. i guess lunch time was always our thing even back in high school. i miss you with your animal crackers and vanilla coke and i miss you at my apartment. you used to be the guy i liked, that i never wanted to tell because you intimidated me but you were always my shoulder to cry on, it's funny that i used to cry to you about other guys, and now i'm just crying over you. i would never take our friendship back, i learned so much. and i realize that maybe knowing me wasn't really as big a part of your life as knowing you was in mine, maybe i wasn't what you expected. i know that i fucked our friendship up but just know that i'll always care about you.

look at what i've done.

Wed, 16 Dec 2009 09:16:55 GMT

i can't believe my life lately. i write in this journal so i can remember how i've felt. i write. i used to write my feelings, but what are feelings anymore...everything is just mixed up. i used to write because i loved it, it felt good. words made me feel better, but lately i just can't find the words to fix anything. who am i kidding, it will never be fixed.

i just need for you to know that i am sorry. i'm sorry that i let you cheat, and i'm sorry that what went on between us lasted for four years, i'm sorry that you love her and not me, i'm sorry that you're getting married and i can't find it in my heart to be truly happy for you, i'm sorry that i'm angry, i'm sorry that i loved you, i'm sorry that she knows, i'm sorry that i never told you how i felt about you until it was too late, i'm sorry your feelings went away but mine never did, i'm sorry that you probably hate me, and i'm sorry that i made you watch me cry, i'm sorry that i wrecked our friendship because i couldn't handle you breaking my heart, i'm sorry that it was just too much for me to handle, i'm sorry for being so upset and getting very carried away, but most of all i'm sorry that we can never be in eachothers lives again.

i write in this journal to feel better, but for some reason everytime i write i start to cry.

if you have read any of this

Wed, 28 Oct 2009 07:58:27 GMT

yes, i realize how incredibly stupid i sound. i've had a really hard time with this.
there's really not anything else to say.
i try not to cry about it because that makes it feel more real.
and i'd rather pretend that i feel nothing.

so i finally know what it feels like

Sat, 17 Oct 2009 00:57:45 GMT

to have your heart broken. the big secret was never you and me, it was all my feelings for you, and how i know you felt them back. today i thought about the first day i got the keys to my apartment and how you were the first person that i brought there. and how you ran around plugging in all of my flower air fresheners and then we sat on the floor against my mirror, i was in your lap facing you and that was the first time in my apartment; i remember being so excited because we could finally see eachother somewhere besides your car. and then i thought about the time you came over before thanksgiving break last year and you read my letter out loud and i chased you around my apartment wrestling you on my bed for it, and before you left you told me i was your bestfriend and if i wasn't in your life that you would be miserable. i will always remember loving you so much, the feelings you gave me were like nothing i ever knew before you; i wonder if that will ever go away. before you left on friday i wanted to tell you that as long as you're happy then i'm happy for you.

good enough

Mon, 05 Oct 2009 04:25:06 GMT

for the longest time i've said that i want to run away.
but now i just feel like disappearing.

Wed, 09 Sep 2009 04:44:05 GMT

i want to run away.
i want to be a happy girl again.
i want to smile and laugh and not care.
i've cared so much for so long, now you can do it.

Fri, 28 Aug 2009 19:51:10 GMT

guys make me fucking sick all of them. every last fucking one.

i'm so fucking sick and tired

Sun, 23 Aug 2009 22:01:15 GMT

of small talk conversation.
it bores me to death.
just shut the fuck up, learn how to talk to me or leave me alone.

changes.

Fri, 21 Aug 2009 04:36:40 GMT

i want to change everything. and i don't care what it takes.
i want different things.
i need that to happen for me. i really need something to work out for me.
although some things have worked out in my favor lately so i'm not complaining.
me, liz, and kenny hung out tonight. i really love them both. liz because she makes me laugh so much, all we do is laugh. and kenny because he is real. and we can have conversations that i can't have with other guys, he knows so much and he can actually be mature about it. i really love being around them both.
i'm glad i have great friends.

i start UCF on monday...i'm not excited at all. i'm taking all online classes and just trying to get it done. my teaching english as a second language class will be a bitch. i've heard its a lot of work. i never thought in a million years that i'd become a teacher. but i guess life is like that sometimes, unexpected things happen. i applied for a job as an office assistant for mainland, i need that job.

my life is going to change soon for the better, and i'm excited for it to happen. you know whats so funny, that i used to whine and bitch about how shitty john treated me in this stupid ass journal. and then one day when he just mysteriously fell back "in love" with me he found this and read it all. i wonder if anything like that will happen again.

if it does then you know who you are; you are a dick for stringing me along for so damn long. if you're never going to love me, or decide to stop thinking about what it would be like if we were together and actually be with me then please just tell me, so i can move on with my life and be happy with someone else. i promise all i need is the words.

believe me if i say.

Sat, 15 Aug 2009 02:08:13 GMT

please be with me, because five years later i'm still completely in love with you.

see me happy.

Thu, 30 Jul 2009 03:55:59 GMT

i hate everything i write in here. i want someone to tell me that i am lucky.

Tue, 21 Jul 2009 12:49:57 GMT

i hate pretending and i don't know how i've done it for so long.
i hate that this means so much to me.

Wed, 08 Jul 2009 06:06:58 GMT

nothing ever really changes.
but things are about to start changing.
i p r o m i s e.

2004.

Tue, 23 Jun 2009 02:22:22 GMT

i miss 2004. i miss being so confused on all the simple things. i miss when the biggest problem was how to wear a tampon and what i was going to wear to the first day of high school. i miss high school. i miss bitching for 30 minutes every morning before going to school. i miss my family, my grandparents, ashley, amber and me. we had the best times, and i am truly blessed that i got to grow through the hardest years with the best girls, that are like sisters to me. i miss things when they weren't so serious. lately i feel like all i'm doing is running out of time, but something just tells me all i need to do is run away.

please.

Sun, 21 Jun 2009 07:51:24 GMT

if i could have one thing it would be for you to know how i feel when i think of how much time keeps slipping through our hands. i want you to know how i feel when i think of your life continuing with her, and ending with me. it hurts me, so much to think about you not in my life. i just wish you would give me the chance to show you that you don't belong with her. maybe i'm just being selfish because i love you, but i swear that i would never say these things if i didn't feel like they were true. i just need one chance.

tell me you love me.

Mon, 15 Jun 2009 01:00:45 GMT

love can be really sad sometimes. i don't think ive left my bed since friday night. all ive been doing is sleeping all day and all night but even when i sleep it doesnt help at all.

see you next tuesday.

Wed, 10 Jun 2009 01:58:15 GMT

its tuesday and i think i'm going crazy.

hypothetically.

Sun, 31 May 2009 02:53:35 GMT

and the wonder of it all is that you just don't realize how much i love you.

to answer the question if things were different and we ended up together, of course i would marry you. no questions asked. but in reality you aren't with me, you're with her. so i just don't let myself think of what it would be like if we were together.

i wish

Thu, 28 May 2009 02:47:23 GMT

i had clever artsy ideas. too bad i don't and too bad my life story is boring.
today was my first day with my trainer and he kicked my ass.
it was fun though.
if i miss one thing more than anything its gymnastics. i loved it so much.
probably more than people love their stupid gfs. literally haha.
anyway i just got 100 on my trig quiz. and im so happy this is the first time ive ever done well in math! duh becuase its online and i hate going to class.
im rambling on.
and i think the mail guy from work is cute :)

Thu, 21 May 2009 16:48:29 GMT

and it can end just like that.
it seems to happen that way OCCASIONALLY.
fuck you.

goodbye gossip girl.

Thu, 21 May 2009 07:21:38 GMT

the season finale was monday.
no matter how many times i say it this will never be my ending.

i forgot.

Wed, 20 May 2009 01:23:47 GMT

everytime i'm close to you there's too much i can't say.
and you just walk away.

seriously

Wed, 22 Apr 2009 13:39:51 GMT

every guy that i "talk" to is so annoying and i feel like all they want to do is try to force themselves into my life and if i dont want to let them in they just keep trying and trying and i dont fucking want them to. i just want to be left alone i dont care if im single but i sure as hell dont want a guy to try to be in my life 24/7 and go everywhere and do everything with me i just fucking dont okay! i'm just going to start ignoring guys completely. no you cannot have my number. no i do not want to go on a date anywhere with you, and no i do not want to hang out. no i am not interested. no thanks.